How To Be A Good Guest/Community Member
(A humorous look at what should be blatantly obvious)
​

A message to the traveling dance community ... a Primer of sorts for Tender Young Minds.                                                                    By Sam Wolanyk

​Dear Traveler,

As we are headed into the heavy dance-exchange season the time is right for a little chat.
This list of recommended dos and don'ts was written and edited by members of the dance community who are frequent hosts and guests for dance events across the US. Recent experiences dictate that we offer this remedial course in basic manners. This advisory is based on true events but we have omitted names so as to not publicly embarrass some of you.  You know who you are!

First off, no one owes you anything. Get rid of your sense of entitlement. Whether you think you are a terrific dancer doesn't count for much- all that matters is if other people think you are terrific. And you'll know, because they'll tell you to your face, line up to dance with you and bend over backwards to take care of you. I have provided food and accommodations for, donated money to, and even bought plane tickets on occasion for partners who are amazing on the dance floor and who I really wanted to dance with. If you are a fabulous dancer who chews with your mouth closed, are easy to get along with, POLITE and don't come packaged with a sense of entitlement, you may find people actually competing to provide for you. Until that happens, you're just another dancer who has to give at least as much as you receive if you wish to continue to be hosted at events. The first thing you must do in order to be a successful travel-dancer is take honest stock of the market value of what you are being given, and recognize the costs in time, dollars and Pain In The Ass Factor (PITAF) of favors you ask for and conditions you require. This may require some effort for those of you who never worked for a living, but try to see beyond the collectivist indoctrination pablum you're being spoonfed in college. (That philosophy doesn't apply in the real world.) Once you realize the value of what is being handed to you, gratitude is much easier to express plenty and often.

Regarding housing:
Unless you still live with your parents, it's not hard to conceptualize the idea that shelter costs. Perhaps this missive is most targeted towards those who are still living on someone else's dime. Regardless, rent has to be paid and house payments have to be made...after making a healthy deposit or down payment and taking care of utilities, repairs and everything else that comes along with controlling your own space. Those expenses are why even a crummy hotel room is still 40 bucks a night. You can assume that an evening at anyone's home is saving you around $50 at a minimum.  You should conduct yourself accordingly. That means EXPRESS YOUR APPRECIATION TO YOUR HOST! Say thank you, often. Be grateful, not entitled. Assume you're providing your own food unless otherwise directed. NEVER ask your host what's for breakfast or any other meal unless they offer. This means stay the hell out of the fridge and cupboards. But feel free to get off your butt and buy some food for the house. Or better yet, WASH THE DISHES. Even if they're not yours. Make your bed. Pick up after yourself. Do all the stuff your mom should have taught you. The ONLY time it is appropriate for you to act as if you're staying in a hotel is when you actually ARE.

Regarding food:
Everyone is different. Accepted. Remember that you are traveling to dance, so quit trying to impress everyone with the depth of your self awareness. Unless some common foodstuff will send you into genuine anaphylactic shock, we don't really care about your food sensitivities. Especially not when trying to make a meal for a group or trying to pick a reasonable restaurant for a number of people. Rest assured, the restaurateur is trying to make a buck and will do HIS best to accommodate you once you're seated. That, plus your own discriminatory skill with a fork and knife will suffice to separate out offending items from whatever you're about to eat, leaving just enough to keep body and soul together until you can seek out a sustainably sourced no-gluten non GMO organic nightshade free vegan Buddhist halal establishment.
But that's just when eating out. If you're lucky enough to be hosted by someone who is actually willing to cook for you, don't dare turn up your nose because, say, you don't like sundried tomatoes in your morning scramble. Pick them out. Or bring and prepare your own food or go out to eat on your own dime or starve to death. Whatever. Just don't forget that you are indebted to your host, not the other way around. Pitch in and help with cooking. If you eat at the house, do the dishes-all of them. Then thank your host (or your hosted housemate who out of a sense of community was kind enough to get up early, go to the store and drop 60 bucks for food for everyone, while you sawed logs) profusely. Again, the worst thing you can do is wander in the kitchen with your hair still shellacked upside your head, grumble at the food, eat grudgingly, leave your dirty dishes lying around and stagger back out without a thank you. If this describes you, you SUCK and everyone knows it. You might consider making a round of apologies. Before you arrive, ask your host what, if anything, you should bring...towel, sleeping bag, pillow, shampoo. Don't assume that 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets await you. Aside from that, it's always a nice gesture to surprise your host with a small gift such as a bottle of wine, homemade cookies, an offer (and the requisite skill) to cook dinner, whatever. If you are one of those people who simply must drop a deuce on arrival at your complimentary digs, it would behoove you to notice the fan switch or window that the contractor thoughtfully built into the structure so many years ago, having thought ahead to this precise, fragrant moment. Barring that, there must be an aerosol can of deodorizer within easy reach. Look around. Few experiences can compare with being ambushed by foreign funk in the comfort of your own home. If you blow this one, trust me, your name will be the stuff of blacklist lore for all time. When you shower, go ahead and marvel at the cleanliness of the glass enclosure, but don't lie in wait to catch a glimpse of the magical shower-cleaning faerie. THERE ISN'T ONE. Instead, cast about for the squeegee thing that MUST be hanging somewhere in easy reach and use it. Don't let's broach the subject of leaving short curly hairs stuck to ANYTHING.

Regarding transportation:
​Getting from the transportation terminal to your destination is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Be prepared to shell out for a cab or a rental car. Use the wonderful free communication medium of the Internet and arrange to split costs with other traveling dancers. Learn about public transportation. But don't expect to automatically be picked up. Remember what I said about sense of entitlement? Lose yours. If you are absolutely penniless, stay home and earn instead of hoping strangers will cover for your broke ass. If your host does happen to arrange a ride for you, upon arrival you should kiss him or her on all 4 cheeks. DO NOT assume that because you failed to plan, that the host or their family, friend or -worst of all- significant other is going to drop everything just to pick you up. Don't assume, and don't ask. You will not like the answer. In any situation where you accept a free ride, OFFER GAS MONEY. That dino juice isn't cheap, which is why you're not driving. What makes you think the guy with the car is dying to schlep you around for free? He's not. OFFER TO PAY. Do not wait to be asked. That goes for tolls, parking fees, etc. These are all expenses to the driver that benefit you and you should at least offer to help. If you think that hurts, try handling solo cab fare. I have, on more than one occasion, taken people to the airport in the car I rented, stopped on the way to fill up with gas (sometimes in the rain) and been shocked when not only did my ingrate passengers not offer to contribute something, THEY DIDN'T EVEN SAY THANK YOU at the airport. Are you fucking kidding me? I am now making a practice of informing my passengers ahead of time that I have high expectations of gratitude. If I'm saving you a bunch of time and money, you better be able to at least enunciate a sincere thank you. There is an amusing advisory bantered about by long haul truckers: "Gas, Grass, or Ass. Nobody rides for free." This may become my motto. If you are getting a ride home from a venue, GET OFF YOUR ASS AND FIND YOUR DRIVER BEFORE YOU GET KICKED OUT OF THE VENUE AT PARTY'S END. He's got the car keys and is therefore guaranteed a ride home. You're not. Now you have incentive to find him and make a plan. Remember? You're a grown-ass man or woman. You can be drafted into the military and sent to murder people overseas. You may even be allowed to buy alcohol! Is it too much to ask that you meet ahead of time with your FREE chauffeur to finalize the where and when of your post-party rendezvous? Don't wait until the chaos at evenings end. By then it may be too late. If you screw this up and discover that your ride left without you because you were busy hooking up in some dark corner, guess what? YOU'RE FUCKED. Now improvise. Buy or beg a ride from someone else with a car. Hitchhike. Use your charms on your possible love interest. Prostitute yourself for a few bucks and then call a cab. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES call your host, 20 miles and 30 minutes away at 4 in the morning and think that she is going to solve your problem. She will not. Nor will she send her significant other to rescue you and the fact you had the balls to ask means she will evermore think loudly about hating you.

Overnight stays following a dance party at a private home:
Understand that just like a multi-day hosting at an exchange, you are a relative stranger being invited into someone's home. It doesn't matter if it's an apartment or a mansion, it has market value and your host pays money to live there. You're being allowed to use this fabulous resource for free. This means that you'd better be extremely gracious, grateful, helpful and minimally impacting if you want to be invited back. Unless otherwise specified, an offer to "crash" following a house party can be interpreted to mean, "I know it's 4am and I would rather you crash/sober up here so you don't crash/get a DUI/kill yourself or someone else on the freeway when you fall asleep at the wheel." That's it. So set your phone alarm for 8am, pass out at 4am, awaken when your alarm goes off and softly, smoothly, swiftly get the fuck out, taking all your debris with you. Go back to YOUR house and lounge around all you want, sleep the day away, whatever. At that point your time is yours and you can do what you want. An offer to crash does NOT mean hang out until noon or later. It does not mean raid my refrigerator or worse yet, ignore my withering gaze when I trip over you as I try to navigate my living room in the early afternoon and then have the gall to ask what's for breakfast. As if I was just on my way to don an apron and attend your every need...A good way to maybe finagle some extra time in the sack is to invite your host to breakfast the night before. This means your host picks the time and the place, and you happily pay. It's a good way to show your thanks. If your host declines your generous offer, then go back to square 1 and plan to be gone early. If you happen to awaken before your host, get busy cleaning up if you all didn't pitch in the night before. Washing dishes, sweeping floors and taking out the trash while not rocket surgery is much appreciated and goes a long way to your being invited back. To sum up this section, sleep just long enough to not kill yourself on the drive, and then hurry up and get on your way home. Your host has a life to attend to. And for Pete's sake, lock the door behind you when you leave.

With regard to house party guests that YOU invited:
If you want to build your dance scene, it's imperative that you get new people out dancing. You may even invite some friends to your host's dance parties, though this is not really common where the emphasis is more on DANCE and less on PARTY. Regardless, be sure to ask your host. If the host says no, accept this news with grace. Should fortune smile upon thee, guess what? You now have an additional responsibility ...training your people. By bringing them you are vouching for their conduct and anything that goes wrong reflects on you.

Here are some simple rules for you to impart to them:
This is a dance party, for dancers. It is not the typical party where everyone gets drunk or stoned and then tries to one-up each other with stories of other times they got drunk or stoned. Make sure they are actually interested in trying out this new thing called "dance". Attending to get drunk or try to pick people up is verboten. If you get to the point that you find yourself or someone else excusing your behavior because "you're drunk," don your street shoes and grab your jacket because you're about to get the bum's rush. Those forcing you out the door may not pause to open the door before putting you through it.  Again, this is a dance party, for dancers. Dancing does NOT mean standing in the middle of the dance floor, whether or not you have a drink in your hand. Let's reflect: NO DRINKS ON THE DANCE FLOOR, I DON'T CARE IF IT'S IN A KEVLAR IV BAG AND SEWN TO YOUR LIPS! Now that we understand each other, back to the original point. Space is limited, the party (if your host knows what he/she is doing) will be popular and therefore the floor will be crowded. If you're not dancing, get the fuck off the floor. You'll be reminded once and then bounced.  If your homies make it through the evening and had a good time, terrific. That's why we sponsor these things. Make sure they respectfully approach the hostess, thank her profusely for her generosity in opening her home to perfect strangers, and depart, taking their debris with them. If you stay until the lights go up, you and your invitees should offer to help with clean up. Don't act surprised if your offer is accepted.

If one of your friends violates the above rules or otherwise acts like a douche-bag and the host informs your friend that he/she is 86ed, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CHALLENGE THE HOST. You are a GUEST in your hosts HOME and he/she absolutely calls the shots. Appealing the decision will not end well for either of you. Encourage your friend to quit the premises post haste. Being a grown-ass adult, you may choose to leave as well. Either way, apologize for the douche-bag and thank your host. Defending the persona non grata in the middle of a party is not only argumentative, in poor taste and will strike your name from the re-invite list but doing so may dangerously escalate the situation by emboldening your idiot friend. Maybe the host has extensive firearms training and keeps a loaded .45 handy in case the "pack your shit and git" command is ignored. Don't roll those dice.

Wishing you safe travels and fabulous fun dances,

Your Future Hosts.